Thursday, July 1, 2010

I must empty out my skull of all this useless chatter.

I've known E for a few years now, and he's broken my heart more times than I can remember. When I first met him I was in a relationship so I didn't really notice him in the same way. Sure I thought that he was drop-dead gorgeous and super kind but at the same time I was so annoyed with him. But the years went by and my feelings for him just grew stronger and stronger. A, my boyfriend at the time, was really really mean to me. He did things that I didn't think a human being was able to do to someone they supposedly loved. He basically told me who to hang out with and speak to and E was not one of them. No, A threatened to kill him if I ever spoke to him again so I told him I wouldn't. But I did it anyway, because E was my friend. The only one I could talk to about this. He has been there for me through thick and thin, stood by my side whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on, even though he lives on the other side of the country, he has always been there.

I didn't really want to admit that I was falling for E because he was my best friend, the big brother I always wanted. It took me three years to admit to myself that I had feelings for him, strong ones and he felt them too. Every time we met, electric shots went through my body like I had been struck by lightening. I just wanted to touch his skin, hear his heartbeat against my body, hold him close. I wanted to feel the warmth from his skin transfer to my skin. I wanted him so badly that my whole body ached. And when I finally did get him, everything fell apart.

My dream, of us being together, was crushed. Everything that I had hoped for just disappeared, all because of those stupid feelings. All because of that weekend we spent together. It was like an emotional bomb that exploded, we couldn't get enough of each other. It was like we were tied together with some invisible rope. We kissed, we hugged, we snuggled. We were in love, and it was magical. But somewhere in the middle of all those feelings, something went totally wrong. When I went home, we didn't speak for about two months. He ignored me and I couldn't understand why. I was devastated. My world just fell apart, I fell apart. I was madly in love with him, like head over heals in love. Our relationship hasn't been the same since that weekend we spent together last year, we have tried but it just won't be the same. I guess we both have grown since then, maybe we've even grown apart. But deep in my heart, I will always love him. He will always be the one for me.

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